life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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