Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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