A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
