I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the condom got lost in my hair
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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