It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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