My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the day after is always just damage control
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
