Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
