Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
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" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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