I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
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My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
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Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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