This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
