I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
