Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
