captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
