dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
