I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
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She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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