We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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