I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
