Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
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