"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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