did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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