oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
