Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
