hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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