i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
