can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
