A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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