He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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