If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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