8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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