that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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