I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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