she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
