Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Less talking, more tequila
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
