I got chris browned last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
