I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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