I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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