Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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