I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
