I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Terrible idea I love it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
