The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
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