I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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