Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is it because I queefed?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
