When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
