I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
