my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
God I need to hump something, right now.
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