my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
