bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
