I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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