Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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