Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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