OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
