I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
