Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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