I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
