i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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