no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
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where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
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Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.