My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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