Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
