I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
